Pennies from Hell

I was outraged to read today that the UK Treasury has decided to retain 1p and 2p coins so that people “have a choice“. Have a choice of what exactly? The only choice consumers face is which medication they take to fight the bacterial disease they will inevitably contract from touching the wretched things.

1p and 2p coins are the bane of my life and have been for many years. They spread like fungus through a damp house, found in between sofa cushions, inside that rubber collar in washing machines and at the bottom of kitchen drawers, especially the knick-knack drawer (you know the one).

They’re filthy things too, ladened with germs after festering in dark, dank places for years after being handled and mauled by hygienically challenged consumers up and down the land.

And the most ridiculous thing of all is that you can’t actually use them for their sole intended purpose – to buy things. Nobody in their right mind would carry a handful of 1p and 2p coins because it’s so utterly impractical. This isn’t a matter of choice.

Furthermore, you only ever bring the damn things home and never take them out again purely because they’re so inanely impractical. Name one person over the age of three who carries coins? Nothing costs less than 99p anyway these days and nobody, absolutely nobody, not even 3 year olds, carries 99 x 1p coins with them to anywhere except the penny arcade in 1979.

But if you scrap them everything will cost more! Do me a favour. If I buy something using cash for 99p today, I inevitably hand over a £1 coin and receive a 1p coin back. That 1p coin, due to its inherent uselessness, will end up down the back of my sofa or the bottom of my knick-knack drawer within a week. That said item still cost me £1 but I now also have a sore throat caused by a bacterial infection picked up from the filthy 1p coin!

Simply scrap the damn things, round everything up to £1 and shops can then donate 1% to charity at the end of each week, with the donation costs more than outweighed by simplified cash handling and less staff sickness from fewer contracted bacterial infections.

And on a most serious note, let’s not forget the incredible waste of copper and zinc at a time when the planet is being raped, pillaged and plundered of all its natural resources. We have a life threatening ecological crisis on our hands and our Treasury decides it’s a good idea to continue producing 1p and 2p coins for many more years so that people ‘have a choice’.

Absolutely bloody ridiculous. I’m fuming.

1p and 2p coins are the bane of my life and have been for many years. They spread like fungus through the house, found in between sofa cushions, inside that rubber collar in washing machines, inside trouser pockets and at the bottom of kitchen drawers, especially the knick-knack drawer (you know the one).

They’re filthy things too, ladened with germs after festering in dark, dank places for years, after being handled and mauled by hygienically challenged consumers up and down the land.

And the most ridiculous thing of all is that you can’t actually use them for their sole intended purpose – to buy things. Nobody in their right mind would carry a handful of 1p and 2p coins because it’s so utterly impractical. This isn’t a matter of choice.

Furthermore, you only ever bring the damn things home and never take them out again purely because they’re so inanely impractical. Name one person over the age of three who carries coins? Nothing costs less than 99p anyway these days and nobody, absolutely nobody, not even 3 year olds, carries 99 x 1p coins with them.

But if you scrap them everything will cost more! Do me a favour. If I buy something using cash for 99p today, I inevitably hand over a £1 coin and receive a 1p coin back. That 1p coin, due to its inherent uselessness, will end up down the back of my sofa or the bottom of my knick-knack drawer within a week. That said item still cost me £1 but I now also have a sore throat caused by a bacterial infection picked up from the filthy 1p coin!

Simply scrap the damn things, round everything up to £1 and shops can then donate 1% to charity at the end of each week, with the donation costs more than outweighed by simplified cash handling and less staff sickness from fewer contracted bacterial infections.

And on a most serious note, let’s not forget the incredible waste of copper and zinc at a time when the planet is being raped, pillaged and plundered of all its natural resources. We have a life threatening ecological crisis on our hands and our Treasury decides it’s a good idea to continue producing 1p and 2p coins for many more years so that people ‘have a choice’.

Absolutely bloody ridiculous and I’m bloody fuming.

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